The Christmas mountain who high-fives elephants: four-year-olds pitch films
Hollywood thinks kids can come up with movies. So we sat seven in a room and gave their ideas from laser monsters to polar bear witches to an Oscar-nominated producer and asked which one hed pick
There are two things you should know about the upcoming movie Monster Trucks. First, a four-year-old came up with the idea. Second, it looks set to be a gigantic financial disaster, with Paramount already taking a $115m writedown on the film. So what happened?
There are two possible explanations: a) Asking a four-year-old to be the primary creative force behind a big movie is an act of almost obscene hubris and the project was doomed to failure from the outset; or b) They asked the wrong kid.
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Convinced the latter was true, the Guardian assembled a crack team of children in its HQ, shut them in a room, and told them that they couldnt leave until theyd created a blockbuster. Here are their pitches, which we then handed to Oscar-nominated producer Stephen Woolley (The Crying Game, Interview with a Vampire, Carol). Brace yourself, Hollywood.
Ben: The Laser Monster from Not Space
The laser monsters come from a really strange planet very far from Earth thats not in space, and they laser people with their 100 eyes. They came to Earth because they have double-boosters on their feet. The people win in the end because they find a big gun. Its bigger than the laser monster and the laser monster is bigger than a mountain. Im thirsty.
Producer Stephen Woolley: Ben, this has Hollywood potential especially Big Gun. Im afraid I couldnt raise the budget for this, though. Feels like a $150million movie.
Ezra: The Christmas Mountain
Theres a mountain and its really cold, so he has a jumper on. He has a lily pad on his eye. Hes a nice monster, because he lets frogs go in his eyes. He grows when its Christmas and now hes as big as anything. He doesnt do much, but hes bigger than the Shard and high-fives elephants. Im bigger than anything. Im bigger than the Earth. I live on Saturn.
SW: With the right CGI effects and some claymation, this could be a Nick Park film. In fact, it could be a British hit especially as it has Christmas in the title!
James: Pokmon Hulk v Marshall the Fire Pup
Pokmon Hulk is a million centimetres tall. His special move is splashing people with mud. Hes fighting Marshall from Paw Patrol. Pokmon Hulk punches Marshall in the face, then he kicks him in the bum. Marshall squirts out fire. Hes a baddie! Then Marshall runs away, then he dies, then he comes back to life, then he puts himself on fire.
SW: This is 18-certificate stuff. The excessive violence wont get past the brand owners. But Mel Gibson might like it, if you can give a religious ending!
Tess: The Polar Bear and his Mummy
A polar bear drives a car. Hes half polar bear and half box and half chip. He also has human hands. Hes not friendly, because hes a witch polar bear. Hes a witch-chip polar bear and he eats humans. His mummy is half elephant and shes nice and she doesnt eat people. Shes sad about her son and she uses her long tail to tie him up. The mummy polar bear is a hero. Her tail is made out of teeth.
SW: Perfect as a European co-production. Can see it fitting a Spanish director Guillermo Del Toro would love this! Keep the budget down though.
Polly: The Snow Witch
Melanie the witch turns people into snowpeople. People have to stop Melanie the witch by destroying her with her own powers. They turn her into a snowman. Theres also Giant Spider. She turns people into little snowmen. When youre a snowman, you just melt.
SW: Another huge concept. Giant spider makes the poster exciting but Raymond Briggs has perhaps cornered this market.
Timmy: The House That Says Yes
There are stones with faces called Austin, Tim and Ralph. They fight a snow monster and the snow monster melts. He melts because hes made out of snow and its good because hes a baddie. Theres a house that talks, too. Its a happy house. It says, Yes. It goes, Yeeeeeaah! Im going under the table.
SW: Perhaps Mick and the rest of the Rolling Stones could make a cameo. Given the obsession with reality TV and Kirstie Allsopps property shows, this has Brit movie written all over it. Especially the tactical retreat at the end.
Ethan: The Scribbling Monsters
These are monsters that throw scribbles in your eyes. They lived underground for 100 years and now theyre here. Then theres a dot monster and the dots arent attached. Theyre going to Australia and theyre going to kill you. And this monster puts cannonballs in your eyes in your eyes! It sneak up on people and then theyre dead. And then the next monster lives under paper and it bangs on people and then theyre dead. And this one punches you and youre dead on the floor and you can never get up.
SW: The violence in this one makes me feel like the main market for this is South Korea. Perfect for Yeon Sang-ho, who directed Train to Busan, although the Australian connection gives a great co-funding opportunity. Thanks to all the four-year-old pitchers. For me, The Christmas Mountain is the winner, the one Id green-light first.
Read more: https://www.theguardian.com/film/2016/dec/15/four-year-old-movie-blockbuster-ideas-monster-trucks